Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
You have been warned.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected