Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
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Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.