JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
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I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds