@VerifiedDrunk: Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I'm all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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@TheMichaelRock: If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
@TheDizzyBeauty: Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don't have any kids.
@WheelTod: "Good parenting isn't giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself" I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow