Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
You Might Also Like
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Good morning, Twitter x
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that