Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim