@VerifiedDrunk: Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I'm all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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@birbigs: New slogan for cats: "Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don't want to die? Cats."
@drinkcherrycoke: So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you've hit,i will be removing mine
@Reverend_Scott: [several months ago] BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby JAY-Z: How many we got BEYONCÉ: One JAY-Z: Not a problem