Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
How actors in movies eat their food
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
mmm onion ringos
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash