A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
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DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Can. I. Help. You.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri