[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
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Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
What?!?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs