Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Worst perfume name ever.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
asked my bf how work was today
Ain’t no way
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.