Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
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As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?