Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
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I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time