@QwertyJones3: [vacuuming] Pick up your feet please. Kid on sofa: No! Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first* *turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

@SondraDeeMe: My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

@MarcusTheToken: A kiss begins with K. But it's also just a text from someone who doesn't want to have a conversation with you.

@MatCro: COP: Can you describe your attacker? ME: No COP: Didn't you see him? ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

@timdonakowski: Want proof advertising works? I just bought a Goodyear blimp.