*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
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This story is comedy gold 😂
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps