Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.