@DirtMcTurd: Jesus must've had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
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@FrenulumBreve: *Britney Spears releases a new fragrance* *the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
@noxxhell: A homeless guy by the Gas station just proposed to me,it's a little short notice but I'm not getting any younger am I?
@ArfMeasures: [1st day at work] BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here ME: That's great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
@Ristolable: According to Facebook a bunch of handsome dudes got together and decided to marry all my ex-girlfriends