Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
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How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
brian had himself a morning…
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave