[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
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*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no