Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
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Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Natural selection at its finest
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.