[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
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Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I am never leaving this website
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used