[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
You Might Also Like
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night