JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
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hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9