Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
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[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
getting old is fun
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”