Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I will never stop laughing at this
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.