Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
You Might Also Like
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.