I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
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“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago