When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”