Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
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I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
(Musicians.)
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.