The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
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Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.