hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
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HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling