All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
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Noted.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend