Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement