Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
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My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
🙅🏻
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.