Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
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Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Y’all know who you are.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water