*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
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Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
There’s never enough good news
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.