JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
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me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet