Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
You Might Also Like
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Is this a threat?
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
opening twitter today
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds