“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
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Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.