“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
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[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.