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@WeissBrandon: Jesus take the wheel
~ Mexicans stripping a car
@Book_Krazy: Me: Let's try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
@thenatewolf: *mugger pulls a knife*
Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
@DreamExplosive: Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
@TheWoodenslurpy: If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
@Robert_Beau: I'am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there's 100% chance I'am getting laid and a 50% chance I'll like it.