Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Yup.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down