Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
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Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Customer is always right
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I found your tweet-up…
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.