Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
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As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie