Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
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I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder