Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
You Might Also Like
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.