friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
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Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
They got Raph!
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
August 8
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.