I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
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Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word