Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
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me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
me when i see my girls butt
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never