ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
You Might Also Like
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”