*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
You Might Also Like
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”