@sgtblueeyes: Jesus walks on water and everyone is impressed. I walk on water and I'm seriously concerned about this ice breaking...
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@Reverend_Scott: FITBIT: You've done 11k steps today. ME: Ok, I'll rest some. FITBIT: stop now and I'll murder you ME: What? FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
@sarapascoe: When people write to tell me I'm not good at comedy, I reply "Well you're not good at fan mail" then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
@KrangTNelson: JERRY SEINFELD: so what's the *deal* with airplane food ME (whispering to my date): it's actually called "jetfuel"