Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
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Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Still a very good boi….
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake