JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride